Knights also had a custom of spending an entire night in prayer before such statues as they prepared to go off to war, and Ignatius decided to do the same this night but with a different purpose. Instead of praying for protection in battle, Ignatius prayed to become a better person, and he formally gave up his career as a knight by surrendering his sword and dagger before the statue. Instead of fighting physical wars for the King of Spain, he would fight spiritual wars for the King of Heaven.

            The people who knew him would have been stunned that Ignatius gave up his sword, which was his most prized possession. He loved carrying it with him everywhere he went, and it was almost part of his identity. But Ignatius didn’t want anyone to know he was at Montserrat. This was about his conversion to a holier life, and no one needed to know about this except God. He wanted to make himself as unrecognizable as possible, so he donated his mule to the monastery, gave his expensive clothes to a poor man, and found an ugly, uncomfortable tunic to wear instead. He also let his hair and fingernails grow long, and he now looked like more like a street beggar than a nobleman from a wealthy family. He even started going by a different name now, asking that people not call him “Iñigo” anymore but “Ignatius.” He was trying to transform himself, and he didn’t want people to recognize the man he used to be.

            Ignatius wasn’t successful in remaining anonymous. Word quickly spread that this famous knight was following in the footsteps of many saints from the past. Many would flock to come see him so they could say they had encountered a living saint. Ignatius didn’t want this attention, so he found a cave near the town of Manresa, and he spent hours every day there in prayer. Even though he confessed his sins, he was still haunted by them, and the darkness of the cave was a great metaphor for the darkness he felt in his life. The guilt was almost too much to bear, and he still had many doubts about becoming the kind of person God was calling him to be. Would he be good enough? How would he make it to Jerusalem on his own? Did he really confess all his sins, or were there others he forgot about? Despite moments of immense joy while he thought about God and spoke to Him from his heart, there were others where he fell into deep depression and even had thoughts of suicide.

            The praying became too intense at times, so he came out of the cave periodically to interact with other human beings. Sometimes he traveled back up the mountain to the monastery to meet with the monk he confessed his sins to, and this monk would give him helpful advice to prevent Ignatius from going to extremes in his prayer, especially when it came to guilt. He also had spiritual conversations with people in the nearby town of Manresa, talking to them about God and life, and he went to mass regularly so that he could receive Jesus in the Eucharist. He also continued his old habit of gazing upon nature, and one day he had a flood of insight as he sat alongside the Cardoner River. Ignatius never told anyone what insights he got there specifically, but it was such a momentous experience that he said his mind had been transformed and everything became brand new.

            Later in his life Ignatius would emphasize the importance of “finding God in all things,” and perhaps this idea came to him as he sat alongside the river. Ignatius believed that God was present to us not only in prayer or at church but in every aspect of our lives. We just have to look hard enough. Oftentimes we miss God in our lives because we’re too busy with work or school, and we don’t notice the subtle ways that God is speaking to us. We might find God’s presence in the beauty of a rainbow or a majestic mountain, but we might forget to notice God’s presence when we’re playing a game with our friends, cooking a meal, or helping someone get through a difficult time. God’s love for us is so great that He is there with us always, even if that love takes different forms depending on the situation. Our task is to be perceptive enough to see where and how God is present to us in a particular moment.

            This may have been one of the discoveries Ignatius made that day, but whatever new understanding he acquired, it gave him the courage and enthusiasm to keep praying to God each day and not worry about the negative thoughts he had. Those didn’t come from God, so there was no point in dwelling on them. He went back to the cave on a daily basis, and his traveling back and forth was a little easier with the walking staff he used. He was making great progress in his prayer life, and he decided to write these ideas down in a notebook. The prayers and meditations he was doing were helping him tremendously, and one day they could help others too. Most of them were about how to reflect on one’s daily life, and many of them were how to use one’s imagination while reading stories in the bible. The goal was to grow closer to God, and if you could imagine yourself listening to Jesus and witnessing his deeds firsthand, you would grow to love him even more. These reflections would become the basis for the Spiritual Exercises that Ignatius wrote later. He called them “exercises” because they could make your soul stronger, just like physical exercises make your body stronger.

           The most important of these exercises was called the Examen. In English it sounds a lot like an exam, but that’s not what it’s about. It refers to examining your day, looking for moments of God’s presence, and seeing how you were a good person (or not) that day. There are five easy steps. First, put away all distractions and calm your mind so that you’re not thinking about anything else. Try to be aware of God’s presence and think about God as you make this prayer. Second, think about all the god things in your life and the joys you’ve had so far today. Give thanks to God for all these blessings. Third, reflect on your day so far, and recall the things you’ve done and the people you’ve interacted with. This is the heart of the Examen, and you should spend the most time on this step. What were the highs and lows of my day? What kind of person have I been so far today? Did I do something wrong or hurt anyone in any way? Did I fail to do something good for someone who needed my help? Fourth, ask God for forgiveness for the times you have failed to be a good person today. Fifth, think about how you want to be a better person tomorrow, and express this to God as you conclude your prayer.

            The Examen would become the cornerstone for Ignatius’s spirituality for the rest of his life. It helped him think more about his actions and about how God was at work in his life, and he encouraged everyone to do this prayer. Ignatius was delighted by these spiritual discoveries, but they were taking longer than he expected. He only planned to spend a few days at the monastery and then make his way to Jerusalem, but he ended up spending a year in Manresa and Montserrat. He really wanted to examine his life and see how he could become a better person. He also became more famous than he expected, especially since he was trying to get rid of his old identity and not draw attention to himself. Somehow people heard about the intense spiritual conversion Ignatius was going through, and several of them wanted to help. He wasn’t eating much and didn’t bathe regularly, and he got sick several times. So some people offered him a place to stay where he could sleep in a warm bed and get a home-cooked meal from time to time. One was a widow named Inés Pascual, who hosted him for three weeks. She didn’t have much but offered him a place to sleep and did his laundry for him. She also made him chicken soup when he got sick and found sturdy shoes and warm clothes he could wear in the winter, which was bitterly cold that year. Ignatius also told her about his plan to go to Jerusalem, and she arranged for him to stay in a small room in a house in Barcelona while he waited for a ship headed to the Holy Land.